Three Holy Men and a Bear

A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher, and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard - a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experience.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs went first. 'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around.. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next.. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul.. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb... We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus. Hallelujah!

The priest and the reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed.

He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him..

He was in really bad shape

The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

Appraisal Vs Resignation

A newly joined trainee asks his boss "what is the meaning of appraisal?"

Boss: "Do you know the meaning of resignation?"
Trainee: "Yes I do"

Boss: "So let me make you understand what a appraisal is by comparing it with resignation"

Comparison study: Appraisal and Resignation Appraisal

In appraisal meeting they will speak only about your weakness, errors and failures.
In resignation meeting they will speak only about your strengths, past achievements and success.

In appraisal you may need to cry and beg for even 10% hike.
In resignation you can easily demand (or get even without asking) more than 50-60% hike.

During appraisal, they will deny promotion saying you didn't meet the expectation, you don't have leadership qualities, and you had several drawbacks in our objective/goal.
During resignation, they will say you are the core member of team; you are the vision of the company how can you go, you have to take the project in shoulder and lead your juniors to success.

There is 90% chance for not getting any significant incentives after appraisal.
There is 90% chance of getting immediate hike after you put the resignation.

Trainee: "Yes boss enough, now I understood my future. For an appraisal I will have to resign..!!

Pennies Reading Waitress

One day a bachelor, who was a poor tipper, walked into his favorite restaurant and ordered lunch.

A new waitress served his meal and received a three cent tip. When he came in the next day, she thanked him for his 'generosity' and she said she could tell the character of a diner by the way he tipped.

"Yeah? What can you tell about me?" he asked.

"You put three pennies in a neat row," said the waitress, "and that shows you are a very tidy person. The first penny tells me you are frugal and the second tells me that you are a bachelor."

"That's true," he agreed. "But what does the third penny tell you?"

"The third penny tells me your father was a bachelor too"

The Blind Customer

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, hands him a menu. "I'm sorry, Sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer, I'll smell it and order from there", says the customer.

A little curious, the owner walks over to a dirty pile and picks up a greasy fork.. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him.

The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ah, yes, that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes."

"Unbelievable!" In the kitchen, the owner exclaims to his wife Theresa, who is also the cook, and tells her what has just happened.

A few days later the blind man returns, and the owner brings him a menu.

The customer says, "Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."

"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork." The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.

After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great, I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli."

In disbelief, the owner tells his wife Theresa that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him..

The blind returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen.

He tells his wife, "Theresa, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man." Theresa does it and hands her husband the fork..

As the blind man sits down, the owner is ready. "Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."

The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says,

"Hey, I didn't know that Theresa works here?

Love Vs. Marriage

Love is holding hands in the street.

Marriage is holding arguments in the street.

Love is dinner for 2 in your favorite restaurant.

Marriage is a take home packet.

Love is cuddling on a sofa.

Marriage is one of them sleeping on a sofa.

Love is talking about having children.

Marriage is talking about getting away from children.

Love is going to bed early.

Marriage is going to sleep early.

Love is a romantic drive.

Marriage is arrive on tops curvy tarmac.

Love is losing your appetite.

Marriage is losing your figure.

Love is sweet nothing in the ear.

Marriage is sweet nothing in the bank.

Tv has no place in love.

Marriage is a fight for remote control.

Love is 1 drink and 2 straws.

Marriage is "Don't you think you've had enough!".

Conclusion: "Love is blind, Marriage is an eye opener!"

Nice Excuse

 fellow bought a new Mercedes on the Christmas eve and was out on the highway for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.

As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

"There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further.

The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him.

"What in the heck am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Christmas eve. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!" "Have a nice Christmas," said the officer.

Ferrari vs. Dog

A farmer has to go out to plow his rental field about 5-6 miles from his farm. To get there he must drive his tractor, and his dog old Joe trots along beside him. Halfway through the plowing, the tractor runs out of fuel.

He wanders out to the road and flags down a ride, which just happens to be a Ferrari.

The driver says, "You can have a ride, but that dog can't get in my car."

The farmer says, "Don't worry. Old Joe will keep up."

The driver figures he'll show the farmer just what his car can do and lets it rip. Just as he is going into 5th gear, he looks out the window and sure enough Old Joe is right beside him. He can't wait to have a look at the amazing dog, so he slams on the brakes, and the car stops rather abruptly.

The driver jumps out exclaiming, "He's the most incredible dog I've ever seen! But what kind of collar is that he's wearing?"

The farmer shook his head and said, "That's not a collar. That's his asshole. He's not used to stopping that fast."

Bedtime Football

An old man and his wife had just gone to bed. After laying in bed for a few minutes the old man cut a fart and says, "Seven Points."

His wife rolls over and asks, "What in the world was that?"

The old man says, "Touchdown, I'm ahead 7 to nothing."

A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, Tie score."

After about ten minutes later the old man farts again and says, "Touchdown I'm ahead 14-7."

Now starting to get into this, the wife quickly farts again and says, "Touchdown tie score."

The old man strains really hard but to no avail; he can't fart, so not to be outdone by his wife, he gives it everything he has and poops in the bed.

The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?"

The old man replies, "Half-Time, Switch-Sides"

Cheating Wife

The Policeman had stopped the man for obvious drunken driving, but since the guy had a clean record, he made him park the car and took him home in the patrol car.

"Are you sure this is your house?" the cop asked as they drove into a rather fashionable neighborhood.

"Shertainly!" said the drunk, "and if you'll just open the door f'me, I can prove it to ya."


The police officer followed the man as he shakily negotiated the stairs to the second floor.

The drunk pushed open the first door they came to.

"Thish ish my bedroom," he announced. "Shee the bed there? Thast mine! Shee that woman lying in the bed? Thash my wife. An' see that guy lying next to her?

"Yeah?" the cop replied suspiciously. Beginning at this point to seriously doubt the man's story.

"Well, thash me!"

Legal and Logical Explained

After having failed his exam in "Logistics and Organization", a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it.

Student: "Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?"

Professor: "Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!"

Student: "Great, well then I would like to ask you a question.

If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you give me an "A" for the exam. "

Professor: "Okay, it's a deal. So what is the question?"

Student: "What is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and neither logical, nor legal?"

Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an "A", as agreed.

Later on the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question.

He immediately answers: "Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 25 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. The fact that you have given your wife's lover an "A", although he really should have failed, is neither legal, nor logical."

Best Pickup Line Ever

A Newfie walks into a Toronto pub and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'
'No', he replies,'I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it..'

The intrigued woman says, 'a state-of-the-art watch?
'What's so special about it?'

The Newfie explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'

The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'
Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.'

The woman giggles and replies
'Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!'

The Newfie smiles, taps his watch and says,
'Damn thing's an hour fast!'

Crab Dates Lobster

A crab and a lobster are secretly dating.

Pretty soon, the lobster tires of the lying and tells her father, who then forbids her to see the crab anymore.

"It'll never work, honey." he says to her. "Crabs walk side- ways and we walk straight."

"Please," she begs her father. "Just meet him once. I know you'll like him."

Her father finally relents and agrees to a one-time meeting, and she

runs off to share the good news with her crab sweetie.

The crab is so excited he decides to surprise his beloveds family.

He practices and practices until he can finally walk straight!

On the BIG day, he walks the entire way to the lobster's house as straight as he can.

Standing on the porch, and seeing the crab walking towards him, the lobster dad yells to his daughter....

"I knew it! Here comes that crab and he's really drunk!"

Labor Pain.

A married couple went to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father.

He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters,
explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. However as the labor progressed, the husband felt

fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point, they decided to try for 50%. The Husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain !!

She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got in the car to get home,

they found the DRIVER dead in the car !!

Calling from Hell

One politician, One thief & One Programmer died & went straight to hell. Politician said "I miss my country. I want to call my country and see how everybody is doing there."

She called and talked for about 5 minutes, then she asked "Well, devil how much do I need to pay for the call????

The devil says "Five million dollars". The Politician wrote him a cheque and went to sit back on her chair.


Thief was so jealous! s, he starts screaming, "My turn! I wanna call the my group members, I want to see how everybody is doing there too"

He called and talked for about 2 minutes, then he asked "Well, devil how much do I need to pay for the call????

The devil says "Ten million dollars".

With a smug look on his face, he made a cheque and went to sit back on his chair.


Programmer was even more jealous & starts screaming, "I want to call my IT friends too", He called other IT person and he talked for twenty hours about various technologies and Project Managers, he talked & talked & talked, then he asked "Well, devil how much do I need to pay for the call????

The devil says "Twenty dollars".

Programmer is stunned & says "Twenty dollars??? Only ??"


Devil says


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"Calling hell to hell is local call!!!

The Best Doctor

Now that's a Doctor. I love this Doctor.

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer ; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ....... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans ! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'

AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

PS. If someone meets this guy, stay away from him and keep your friends and family away from him, coz he will probably get you all killed.

18 Holes of Golf

Harry, a golfing enthusiast if there ever was one, arrived home from the club to an irate, ranting wife.

"I'm leaving you, Harry," his wife announced bitterly. "You promised me faithfully that you'd be back before six and here it is almost nine. It just can't take that long to play 18 holes of golf."

"Honey, wait," said Harry. "Let me explain. I know what I promised you, but I have a very good reason for being late. Fred and I tee'd off right on time and everything was find for the first three holes. Then, on the fourth tee Fred had a stroke. I ran back to the clubhouse but couldn't find a doctor. And, by the time I got back to Fred, he was dead. So, for the next 15 holes, it was hit the ball, drag Fred, hit the ball, drag Fred...

Bedtime Football

An old man and his wife had just gone to bed. After laying in bed for a few minutes the old man cut a fart and says, "Seven Points."

His wife rolls over and asks, "What in the world was that?"

The old man says, "Touchdown, I'm ahead 7 to nothing."

A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, Tie score."

After about ten minutes later the old man farts again and says, "Touchdown I'm ahead 14-7."

Now starting to get into this, the wife quickly farts again and says, "Touchdown tie score."

The old man strains really hard but to no avail; he can't fart, so not to be outdone by his wife, he gives it everything he has and poops in the bed.

The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?"

The old man replies, "Half-Time, Switch-Sides"

Treatment for the Old Man

A 87 year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later, the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.

A couple of days later, when the old man had an appointment with the doctor again, the doctor said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"

The man replied,
"Just doing what you said doctor,
"Get a hot mama and be cheerful."

The doctor said, "I didn't say that!...

I said you have got a heart murmur. Be careful!"

Learning a Foreign Language

A Swiss guy, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Americans are waiting. "Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he asks.

The two Americans just stare at him.

"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" he tries. The two continue to stare. "Parlare Italiano?" No response. "Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing.

The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted. The first American turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language."

"Why?" says the other. "That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."

Confidence on his Own Software

A hypothetical situation where 20 CEOs board an airplane and are told that the flight that they are about to take is the first-ever to feature pilotless technology: It is an uncrewed aircraft. Each one of the CEOs is then told, privately, that their company's software is running the aircraft's automatic pilot system. Nineteen of the CEOs promptly leave the aircraft, each offering a different type of excuse.

One CEO alone remains on board the jet, seeming very calm indeed. Asked why he is so confident in this first uncrewed flight,

he replies :

"If it is the same software that is developed by my company's IT systems department, this plane won't even take off." !!!!

That is called Confidence!! !