Bedtime Football

An old man and his wife had just gone to bed. After laying in bed for a few minutes the old man cut a fart and says, "Seven Points."

His wife rolls over and asks, "What in the world was that?"

The old man says, "Touchdown, I'm ahead 7 to nothing."

A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, Tie score."

After about ten minutes later the old man farts again and says, "Touchdown I'm ahead 14-7."

Now starting to get into this, the wife quickly farts again and says, "Touchdown tie score."

The old man strains really hard but to no avail; he can't fart, so not to be outdone by his wife, he gives it everything he has and poops in the bed.

The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?"

The old man replies, "Half-Time, Switch-Sides"

Things You Wish You Could Say At Work

1.  Ahhh... I see the f--k-up fairy has visited us again...
   2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
   3. How about never? Is never good for you?
   4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
   5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
   6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
   7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
   8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
   9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
  10. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of sh-t.
  11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
  12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
  13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
  14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
  15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
  16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
  17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
  18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
  19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
  20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
  21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
  22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
  23. No, my powers can only be used for good.
  24. You sound reasonable... Time to up the medication.
  25. Who me? I just wander from room to room.

A Successful Relationship

A boy was born to a couple after eleven years of marriage. They were a loving couple and the boy was the apple of their eyes. When the boy was around two years old, one morning the husband saw a medicine bottle open. He was late for work so he asked his wife to cap the bottle and keep it in the cupboard. His wife, preoccupied in the kitchen totally forgot the matter. The boy saw the bottle and playfully went to the bottle and fascinated by its color, drank it all. It happened to be a poisonous medicine meant for adults in small dosages. When the child collapsed the mother hurried him to the hospital, where he died. The mother was stunned.

She was terrified how to face her husband. When the distraught father came to the hospital and saw the dead child, he looked at his wife and uttered just four words.

QUESTIONS:

1. What were the four words?

2. What is the implication of this story?

Scroll down to read...

ANSWER:

The husband just said "I Love You Darling" The husband's totally unexpected reaction is proactive behavior. The child is dead. He can never be brought
back to life. There is no point in finding fault with the mother. Besides, if only he had taken time to keep the bottle away, this would not happen.

No one to be blamed. She had lost her only child. What she needed at that moment was consolation and sympathy from the husband. That is what he gave
her. If everyone can look at life with this kind of perspective, there would be much fewer problems in the world. Take off all your envies, jealousies, unforgiving attitude, selfishness, and fears. And you will find things are actually not as difficult as you think.

"A successful relationship requires falling in love many times... with the same person."

JPMorgan, UBS May Ban BlackBerry

NEW YORK: JPMorgan Chase & Co and UBS are considering allowing employees to access corporate email using Apple iPhones or other alternatives to their standard-issue Research in Motion BlackBerry.

A switch by these banks would be a further blow for Canada's RIM, whose shares have slumped recently after certain countries have threatened to ban the Blackberry whose design does not allow them to monitor phone traffic.

US bank JPMorgan is testing the security of iPhones and smartphones that use Google Inc's Android operating system, a person familiar with the tests said. It is not yet certain that the second-largest US bank by assets would allow employees to switch to other devices, that person added.

A UBS spokesman said the bank is considering allowing employees to use their iPhones for corporate email. JPMorgan declined to comment.

The banks are among major institutions considering a switch from the once-iconic BlackBerry.

The European Union Commission last month rejected the BlackBerry in favor of the iPhone and HTC smartphones amid concerns over BlackBerry security.

Unlike rivals Nokia and Apple, RIM controls its own networks, which handle encrypted messages through server centers in Canada and Britain.

British bank Standard Chartered said earlier this year it was giving its staff the option to replace the Blackberry with the iPhone, a move that could eventually result in thousands of bankers switching.

Treatment for the Old Man

A 87 year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later, the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.

A couple of days later, when the old man had an appointment with the doctor again, the doctor said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"

The man replied,
"Just doing what you said doctor,
"Get a hot mama and be cheerful."

The doctor said, "I didn't say that!...

I said you have got a heart murmur. Be careful!"

Learning a Foreign Language

A Swiss guy, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Americans are waiting. "Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he asks.

The two Americans just stare at him.

"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" he tries. The two continue to stare. "Parlare Italiano?" No response. "Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing.

The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted. The first American turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language."

"Why?" says the other. "That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."

Facebook Planning Two Smartphones

Facebook is working with mobile phone maker INQ Mobile Ltd to create two smartphone devices that may have a network tie up with AT&T Inc, Bloomberg said, citing three people familiar with the matter.

The smartphones would carry the popular social networking website's services and were set to be unveiled in Europe in the first half of 2011 and the United States in the second half of the year, the report said.

Privately held Facebook said previously that it was not building its own phone. Jaime Schopflin, a spokesman for Facebook, said the company's current projects included "deeper integrations with some manufacturers."

AT&T, the No. 2 US mobile provider, is still thinking about whether it should be the network carrier for the Facebook smartphone and has not yet made a deal, Bloomberg said.

None of the companies could not immediately be reached for comment by Reuters outside of regular US business hours.

Facebook declined to comment to Bloomberg on plans for specific phones. The company, however, told the agency that it continues to work with INQ Mobile, which has previously sold phones with Facebook features, along with other companies.

INQ Mobile, which is based in London and is backed by Hong Kong telecoms firm Hutchison Whampoa Ltd, declined to comment to Bloomberg.

Self Appraisal...

A little boy went to a telephone booth which was at the cash counter of a store and dialed a number.
The store-owner observed and listened to the conversation:

Boy : "Lady, Can you give me the job of cutting your lawn?
Woman : (at the other end of the phone line) "I already have someone to cut my lawn."

Boy : "Lady, I will cut your lawn for half the price than the person who cuts your lawn now."
Woman : I'm very satisfied with the person who is presently cutting my lawn.

Boy : (with more perseverance) "Lady, I'll even sweep the floor and the stairs of your house for free.
Woman : No, thank you.

With a smile on his face, the little boy replaced the receiver. The store-owner, who was listening to all this, walked over to the boy.

Store Owner : "Son... I like your attitude; I like that positive spirit and would like to offer you a job."

Boy : "No thanks,
Store Owner : But you were really pleading for one.

Boy : No Sir, I was just checking my performance at the job I already have. I am the one who is working for that lady I was talking to!"

This is called

"Self Appraisal"


The difference between dream and aim,

Dream requires Soundless sleep to see

Whereas Aim Requires Sleepless Efforts to Achieve...

Why Women Can't Get Enough of Shopping

Ever wondered why women spend so much time in shopping, while men just get in and quickly get out with the relevant stuff? Well, the answer lies in their genes, say researchers.

According to lead researcher Daniel Kruger, from University of Michigan, different shopping styles date back to the skills that women used for gathering plant foods and the skills that men used for hunting meat.

"We have evidence that the kind of skills, abilities and behaviors that are important for hunting and gathering in current foraging societies emerge predictably in our modern consumer environment," said Kruger.

He said gathering edible plants and fungi are traditionally done by women. In modern terms, think of filling a basket by selecting one item at a time.

Women in foraging societies return to the same patches that yield previous successful harvests, and usually stay close to home and use landmarks as guides, said Kruger.

Foraging is a daily activity, often social, and can include young children, if necessary. When gathering, women must be very adept at choosing just the right color, texture and smell to ensure food safety and quality. They also must time harvests and know when a certain depleted patch will regenerate and yield good harvest again.

In modern terms, women are much more likely than men to know when a specific type of item will go on sale. They also spend much more time choosing the perfect fabric, colour and texture.

However, men, on the other hand, often have a specific item in mind and want to get in, get it and get out, Kruger said.

The study appears in Journal of Social, Evolutionary and Cultural Psychology.

Exercise 7 Minutes in 7 Days For Good Health

Rigorous workouts lasting as little as three minutes may help prevent diabetes by helping control blood sugar, British researchers said.


The findings published in the journal BioMed Central Endocrine Disorders suggest that people unable to meet government guidelines calling for moderate to vigorous exercise several hours per week can still benefit from exercise.

"This is such a brief amount of exercise you can do it without breaking a sweat," said James Timmons, an exercise biologist at Heriot-Watt University in Edinburgh, who led the study.

"You can make just as big as an effect doing this as you can by doing hours and hours of endurance training each week." Type 2 diabetes, which affects an estimated 246 million adults worldwide and accounts for 6 percent of all global deaths, is a condition in which the body gradually loses the ability to use insulin properly to convert food to energy.

Very strict diet and vigorous, regular and sustained exercise can reverse type 2 diabetes, but this can be difficult for many people. The condition is closely linked to inactivity.

Timmons and his team showed that just seven minutes of exercise each week helped a group of 16 men in their early twenties control their insulin. The volunteers, who were relatively out of shape but otherwise healthy, rode an exercise bike four times daily in 30 second spurts two days a week. After two weeks, the young men had a 23 percent improvement in how effectively their body used insulin to clear glucose, or blood sugar, from the blood stream, Timmons said.

The effect appears to last up to 10 days after the last round of exercise, he added in a telephone interview. "The simple idea is if you are doing tense muscle contractions during sprints or exercise on a bike you really enhance insulin's ability to clear glucose out of the bloodstream," Timmons said.

The findings highlight a way for people who do not have time to work out a few hours each week as recommended to improve their health, he added. His team did not look for other important benefits to health that come from exercise, such as lowered blood pressure or weight control, but said another study had shown similar benefits to heart function.

But Timmons said getting people to exercise even a little could translate into big savings for health systems that spend hundreds of million of dollars treating diabetes.

Confidence on his Own Software

A hypothetical situation where 20 CEOs board an airplane and are told that the flight that they are about to take is the first-ever to feature pilotless technology: It is an uncrewed aircraft. Each one of the CEOs is then told, privately, that their company's software is running the aircraft's automatic pilot system. Nineteen of the CEOs promptly leave the aircraft, each offering a different type of excuse.

One CEO alone remains on board the jet, seeming very calm indeed. Asked why he is so confident in this first uncrewed flight,

he replies :

"If it is the same software that is developed by my company's IT systems department, this plane won't even take off." !!!!

That is called Confidence!! !

Live Streaming Debuts on YouTube

 NEW YORK: YouTube is making its long expected foray into live streaming by launching an experimental trial with four new media partners.

The new live streaming platform will be previewed in a two-day trial beginning Monday, but is expected to later grow considerably across the Google Inc-owned website.

Four YouTube partners will participate: the celebrity-focused Young Hollywood; the online television outlet Next New Networks; the how-to guide Howcast; and Rocketboom, the Internet culture vlog.

"This is just an initial trial, a first step," said YouTube product manager Josh Siegel. "We're going to look at a whole bunch of data about the performance of our new platform and then, based on that, make decisions about how we'll open it up, with the goal of opening it up to all of our partners over time."

For the last two years, YouTube has offered numerous events live, including a U2 concert, cricket matches in India and President Barack Obama's first State of the Union address. But for all of those events, YouTube relied on third-party technology to enable the live webcasts.

Chris Hamilton, a product marketing manager at YouTube, said live streaming is ``a natural evolution to online video'' that "adds an extra level of engagement," for the site's audience.

YouTube, though, is far from the first company to step into the streaming video space. Startups such as Ustream.tv, Justin.tv and Livestream have already established themselves.

But YouTube remains the largest video platform on the Web and is expected to quickly become a considerable force in the rapidly growing live streaming video business.

ComScore recently announced the amount of time American audiences spent watching the major live video publishers grew by 648 percent in the last year. The advertising possibilities are also good, since the average live streamed video view is 7 percent longer than the average online video view, according to ComScore.

Ustream is the current leader in live video, with 3.2 million unique viewers in July. But Google video sites, which are primarily driven by YouTube, drew 143.2 million unique visitors in July, according to ComScore.

Hamilton said YouTube will be monitoring the live trial to see how well the video looks and how well servers handle any bandwidth increases.

Among the broadcasts scheduled for Monday 11 a.m. EDT is Rocketboom, which is planning an hour-long variety show, pulling from Rocketboom and its numerous spin-offs. Producer Leah D'Emilio said the site is planning a TV-like broadcast, with multiple cameras and correspondents.

She expects that live streaming will further engage the YouTube community.

"Any time you can bring your viewers into a broadcast _ like making a shout-out to someone who left a comment _ the audience really gets excited about that, on YouTube in particular," said D'Emilio. "It breaks down any kind of wall between the people on camera and the people who are watching."

Money Talks

MONEY TALKS. BUSINESS IS BUSINESS

A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller, "I want to open a fuckin' checking account."

The astonished woman replies, I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?

"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a fuckin' checking account now!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank."

The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform him of her situation.

The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen to that foul language and that guy really needs some teliing-off.

They both return to the window and the manager asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"

"There is no fuckin problem," the man says. I've just won $200 million bucks in the damn fuckin lottery and I want to put my fuckin money in this fuckin bank."

"Oh...I see," says the manager, "and is this fuckin bitch giving you a hard time sir ???"


......and this is how the corporate world works..... EVERYWHERE!

What makes life 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants more than 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

Here's a little math that might prove helpful.

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26

then:

H A R D W O R K
8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98%

K N O W L E D G E
11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96%

but:

A T T I T U D E
1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%

and:
B U L L S H I T
2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%

So, it stands to reason that hard work and knowledge will get you close,
attitude will get you there, but bullshit will put you over the top.

And look how far this will take you...

A S S K I S S I N G
1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 14 7 = 118%

Think about it... and have a nice day at work... :)

Hottest Video Games

Retail sales of video games have dipped slightly in 2010, but the overall quality delivered by the interactive entertainment industry has never been higher. Major titles like "Red Dead Redemption ," "God of War III," "StarCraft II", "Mass Effect 2" and "Heavy Rain" have already established this year as a watershed for consumers who plunk down the $60 that most top games cost these days.

It will be impressive enough if publishers are able to deliver a comparable slate this fall, but perhaps the biggest gaming story over the rest of the year is likely to be the introduction of new control systems for Microsoft's Xbox 360 (called Kinect, on Nov. 4) and Sony's PlayStation 3 (called Move, on Sept. 19). Kinect and Move will be reviewed separately along with their associated initial titles, but there are plenty of interesting games on the horizon that use traditional control schemes. Here are a few highlights:

Assassin creed: Brotherhood

Last year's "Assassin's Creed II" set the player as a vigilante in Renaissance Italy out to avenge the downfall of his family at the hands of the vulpine Rodrigo Borgia (aka Pope Alexander VI). It was a bit surprising, then, that the game never let you explore the city of Rome. "Assassin's Creed: Brotherhood" is designed to make up for that by letting you scale walls, flit across rooftops and otherwise parkour your way across the vast expanses of the ancient capital, kicking bad guys along the way.

Publisher : Ubisoft.

To be released on Nov. 16 for PS3 and Xbox 360.


Call of Duty: Black Ops

Over the last few years Call of Duty has emerged as one of the world’s most popular and most lucrative console game franchises. That will be put to the test this fall as the series shifts from its original development studio, Infinity Ward, and into the hands of a rival development group called Treyarch. With “Black Ops,” Call of Duty is also moving away from its recent focus on modern warfare and is instead recreating cold-war covert operations.

Publisher: Activision.

To be released on Nov. 9 for PS3, Wii, Windows and Xbox 360.

Disney Epic Mickey

Mickey Mouse is one of the few fictional characters known as widely around the world as video-game titans like Mario and Pac-Man , yet Mickey has been largely absent from popular culture for many decades now. To bring him into the interactive age, Disney acquired the talents of Warren Spector, a highly respected designer perhaps best known for creating the pioneering title "System Shock." Spector's previous work, however, has been aimed squarely at adults. Millions will be waiting to see how he handles Mickey's reinvention.

Publisher: Disney.

To be released on an as-yet-unspecified date this holiday season for Nintendo's Wii.

Gran Turismo

Under development for at least six years and with a production budget of at least $60 million (and probably far more), "Gran Turismo 5" aims to be the ultimate driving simulator. There are roughly 70 different tracks and some 1,000 driveable cars, but the real keyword here is realism. So if you think you’re actually going to be able to handle that 700-horsepower virtual Ferrari without a ton of practice, think again.

Publisher: Sony.

To be released on Nov. 2 for PS3.
Halo: Reach

Halo is perhaps the definitive console game property of the past decade. Without it, Microsoft might never have been able to establish the Xbox as a legitimate rival to Sony’s PlayStation. Amid some complicated corporate machinations , “Reach” is theoretically the final Halo game that will be developed by Bungie, the studio that invented the franchise. Bungie’s previous Halo game, last year’s “ODST” (for Orbital Drop Shock Troopers), was a disappointment. So players can expect Microsoft and Bungie to outdo themselves this time, from both aspects of game play and promotion.

Publisher : Microsoft.

To be released Tuesday for Xbox 360.

Medal of Honor

Once upon a time (around eight years ago) Medal of Honor was the top war-game franchise. Then Call of Duty came along. Now Electronic Arts is trying to reboot MOH with a new title set in Afghanistan. Courting controversy, the multiplayer mode gives users the option to play as a member of the Taliban, which strikes some as unsavory and others as merely realistic.

Publisher : Electronic Arts.

To be released on Oct. 12 for PS3, Windows and Xbox 360.

Professor Layton and the Unwound Future

With their captivating combination of affecting story lines, hilariously campy characters and mind bending puzzles, the previous two Professor Layton games to be introduced in North America have delighted both adults and children.

Planning is Important

One Night 4 college students were playing till late night and could not study for the test which was scheduled for the next day. In the morning they thought of a plan. They made themselves look as dirty with grease and dirt. They then went up to the Dean and said that they had gone out to a wedding last night and on their return the tire of their car burst and they had to push the car all the way back and that they were in no condition to appear for the test.
So the Dean said they could have the re-test after 3 days. They thanked him and said they would be ready by that time. On the third day they appeared before the Dean, the Dean said that as this was a Special Condition Test, all four were required to sit in separate classrooms for the test. They all agreed as they had prepared well in the last 3 days.
.
.
.
The Test consisted of 2 questions with a total of 100 Marks. See Below for the question Paper


Q.1. Name of the car??
.......... .......... ......... (2 MARKS)
Q.2. which tire burst? (98 MARKS)
a) Front Left b) Front Right
c) Back Left d) Back Right

Remove Clutter to Improve Your Health

See the metaphors in your stuff.

Clutter equals stagnant energy. In order for your energy to flow, clutter must be cleared. Your home should be a relaxing retreat that supports your body's rejuvenation. However, if it's piled up with too much 'stuff', it can make you feel mentally overwhelmed with all the things that you've been putting off but need to finish. This can lead to stress-related illnesses, chronic diseases, or exhaustion. The unfortunate thing about clutter is that all too often, it spirals out of control, which makes it easy to become overly anxious and stressed.

Start your clutter-clearing this week. (Remember: love it, use it, or release it.) Choose one room in your home and for every object that you see, ask yourself: Does this empower me? Does it diminish me? Surround yourself with objects that make you feel vibrant and alive. Release objects that make you feel tired, lethargic, or depressed.

Pay particular attention to the center of your home. This is an area that in feng shui relates to your overall health. It should be clutter free and clean (especially if it's a bathroom or if it's unusually dark). Another significant place is your front door, which sets the energy of your entire house and should be clear of clutter. Check that your door opens freely and without any creaking sounds. Make sure that the very first thing you see when you enter your home is something that gives a feeling of health and vitality.

Metaphors for Health

The objects in your home are invested with symbolism and meaning; therefore, clearing things out can have a direct effect on your psyche and ultimately your health. I've heard of a program in Scandinavia in which volunteers would go into the homes of cancer patients to help the patient sort through and clear out things before they died. However, it was soon discovered that the patient's condition often dramatically improved in direct correlation with removing unneeded items from their homes. This gives credence to the idea that when you clear your clutter, you improve your health.

Start small. Choose one area that could symbolically be related to your health issues. As you clutter-clear, ask yourself, If this represented something about my health, what would it be? Then as you tackle that area, recite affirmations to validate the health of that part of your body. For example, as previously mentioned, as you clean your windows and clutter-clear the window ledges, you might affirm: My eyesight is excellent. I have immense clarity in my life. You can choose the meanings for the metaphors you create.

Here are some more suggestions: If you have lung issues, make sure that all of your things aren't shoved together because too much stuff 'suffocates.' Clutter around the toilet should be removed if you have elimination problems. Do you have challenges with your mouth or teeth? If so, clear around the front door. If you want to drop extra weight, look for hidden clutter that's shoved into closets, storage units, or drawers. Keeping an item because you might need it someday is like your body holding on to excess fat because someday you might need it to survive a famine. Storing clutter for some potential future use, even though you haven't needed it for ten years, is a negative affirmation. It tells your subconscious mind: I never use this, and I'm okay without it now. However, I might not be okay in the future, so I better keep it.

If you have lots of things that you're keeping for this reason, this can be a self-fulfilling prophecy of a future filled with a lack of the things you need. Get rid of this clutter because doing so sends a powerful message to your subconscious mind that you will be fine in the future. It tells your body: You don't need to hold on to that weight to see me through a potential lean time in the future.

Control Over Wife

There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.

After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"

The third fellow says "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."

The first two guys were amazed. "What happened then?" They asked. She said, "get out from under the bed and fight like a man".

Google Search Goes Faster

SAN FRANCISCO: Google began scouring the Internet in real time, delivering results as fast as a person can type.

After two days of teasingly tinkering with the log "doodle" atop its search home page and ended the mystery by showing off Google Instant — a speedier route to Web results at a press event in the San Francisco Museum of Art.

As searchers type in a query, the Google search box displays a list of suggested terms and displays the actual results for the top suggestion.

"Google Instant actually gets queries and gives you search results as you type and streams those results to your computer," said Google vice president of search products and user experience Marissa Mayer.

"We are actually predicting what query you are likely to do and giving you results for that. There is actually a psychic element to it."

PROGRAMMER FIXES A CAR

There was an Engineer, a Manager and a Programmer driving down a steep mountain road.

The brakes failed, and the car careened down the road out of control.
Halfway down, the driver managed to stop the car by running it against the embankment, and avoiding going over a cliff.
They all got out, shaken by their narrow escape from death, but otherwise unharmed.

The manager said. "To fix this problem, we need to organize a committee, have meetings, and though a process of continuous improvement, develop a solution".

The engineer said, "No that would take too long, and besides, that method never worked before. I have my trusty pen knife here, and will take apart the brake system, isolate the problem, and correct it".

The programmer said , "I think you both are wrong! I think we should all push the car back up the hill, and see if it happens again".

Party Crashers

It was at a party and the host was getting worried because there were too many people and not enough refreshments.

She was sure that not all of these people had been invited but didn't know how to tell which ones were the crashers. Then her husband got an idea....

He turned to the crowd of guests and said "Will those who are from the brides side of the family stand up please?" about twenty people stood.

Then he asked " Will those who are from the groom side of the family stand up as well?" about twenty five people stood up.

The He smiled and said

-

-

-

"Will all those who stood please leave, This is a birthday party".

The Computer Helper: IE Troubles

Love it or hate it, Microsoft's Internet Explorer (IE), by most estimates, still commands the lion's share of the browser market. That means a lot of people spend a lot of their day using the browser, and a lot of people encounter problems they'd like to solve. Here are a few.

Q: Internet Explorer opens up in a different size and position each time I start it. I would like it to open up maximized. How can I do this?

A: Internet Explorer - and most other web browsers - remembers the size and position it was last in, and it launches in the exact same size and position when restarted. It's likely that you or some process re-sized or moved the browser window before closing it. It's important to note that IE and other browsers remember the state of just the last browser window closed, so if you have five browser session open, it's only the last one that is closed that will be stored for the next launch of the browser.

There are a couple of ways you can force IE to open in a maximized state each time, regardless of the size and position it was last in when closed. First, go to your Start menu and locate the Internet Explorer icon. Right-click it, and select Properties from the pop-up menu. From the resulting Internet Explorer Properties dialog box, make sure the Shortcut tab is selected, and then from the Run drop-down list box, select 'Maximized.' Click Apply and OK.

You could also download and use the free IE New Window Maximizer, which will make it easy to do the same thing. The utility also gives you several other options over how IE launches, including the ability to open a new IE window in the background and to automatically close pop-up windows.

Q: Internet Explorer is showing all of my web pages in a font that's too small for me to read. It did not used to do that. Does my computer have a virus?

A: It's unlikely that your computer has a virus. Instead, you probably accidentally adjusted the zoom level in Internet Explorer. The zoom level is responsible for making text and other objects on web pages larger or smaller. Recent versions of IE have made adjusting the zoom level all too easy, especially if you have a wheel mouse. By holding down the Ctrl key and moving the wheel back and forth, you can adjust the zoom level on the fly. You can do the same thing by holding down the Ctrl key and tapping the plus (+) or minus (-) keys on your keyboard's number pad. Unfortunately, accidentally activating the zoom feature using either one of these shortcuts is a common complaint among IE users.

First, to reset the zoom level to the normal, 1:1 scale, open the View menu in IE, locate the Zoom option, and select 100% from the sub-menu. Get used to the look of the 100%, 1:1 scale, and you can quickly get back to it by using one of the shortcuts mentioned earlier.

Take a moment to inspect IE's View menu, and you'll also see that it's possible to reduce or enlarge the size of just the text on web pages without affecting the scale of other elements. Make sure the Text Size option in the View menu is set to Medium to get back to IE's default.

Q: Internet Explorer seems to freeze a lot. This is on Windows 7. It will freeze and then a dialog box saying 'Internet Explorer stopped responding' appears. All I can do is close it down. Is this a problem with Internet Explorer or the websites I'm viewing? Should I switch to a different browser?

A: Freezes such as those you describe may or may not be an Internet Explorer issue. To find out, though, start by installing one or two other browsers and visiting the same sites. Download and install Firefox and Chrome. Both of these can reside on the same computer as Internet Explorer, and at the very least you can use them to help you know whether the problems you are encountering with IE are unique to Microsoft's browser.

Even if you find that Firefox and Chrome do not crash while you're viewing the same sites, however, the fault may not lie with IE but rather with add-ons that are installed in IE. Open IE's Tools menu, click Manage Add-Ons, and from the resulting Manage Add-ons dialog box, select any non- Microsoft add-ons with a status of Enabled and disable them. You can do that by highlighting each of the add-ons one at a time, right clicking, and choosing Disable from the pop-up menu. When you're finished, close the dialog box, restart IE, and visit the same sites. If the browser no longer freezes, you can enable the add-ons one at a time until you find the culprit.

Q: Internet Explorer is not remembering my username and password at websites any more. How can I fix this?

A: There are a few things you can try to solve this problem. First, make sure you're not in InPrivate mode, which will not save user names and passwords.

Second, be sure that you have IE set up to remember user names and passwords. Open the Tools menu, and select Options. From the resulting Options dialog box, select the Content tab. Then, from the Auto Complete section, click Settings. In the Auto Complete dialog box, make sure the Forms check box is selected, as well as the 'User names and passwords on forms' sub-setting.

Third, because this problem can result from corrupted cookies, try deleting all of your cookies and starting over. To delete cookies, open IE's Tools menu, and select Internet Options. From the General tab of the Internet Options dialog box, under Browsing History, click the Delete button. Then select the Cookies check box, and click OK.

How many candies?

A shop is selling candies at $1 for each candy, plus it is giving a free candy for 3 empty candy wrappers. You have $15. How many candies will you get for $15?

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Answer:
22.


Eat 15 candies and return the 15 wrappers

u get 5 more candies.

eat 3 more candies and return 3 more wrappers from the 5 new candies and get 1 more candy

Now you have total 2+1 candies left....

eat them and return their wrappers

and get one more candy......

so 22 candies in TOTAL.

Things Women Do Better Than Men

I am amazed at the number of studies that have found women better than men in various skills. Here is a list of 10 skills where women seem to be doing better than men.

Women drive better than men.

Well this reverses a social myth – that women are bad drivers. Carnegie Mellon University researchers found after analyzing a lot of traffic data in 2007 that men are 77% more likely to die in a car accident than women, keeping the miles driven constant. So next time when your husband asks you to hand over the car keys, just give him this article.

Women remember appearances better than men.

Some would say, “Why not? Don’t women pay all their attention to appearances?” Well, say what you may, but only a loser complains about somebody for being better than him! Terrence Horgan, research fellow in psychology at Ohio State University, and her co-researchers found in a study that women are more accurate in describing appearances after seeing people once. The study was published in the journal Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin.

Women cooperate better than men.

We can see this everywhere, but still if you want a citation, here it is. A study by Rolf Kuemmerli and other researchers at Edinburgh and Lausanne universities indicated that women cooperate better than men. In the research, based on games played by 100 Swiss students, women cooperated with others almost twice as much as men did.

Women eat better than men.

This is probably not so obvious, for rarely do we notice gender differences in eating habits. A survey involving 14000 Americans, conducted by University of Minnesota, revealed that men are more likely to eat frozen pizza and meat, whereas women are more likely to eat fruits and vegetables.

Women perform better than men in timed tests.

So if time is precious, women are better at preserving it than men. A study by Vanderbilt University researchers in 2006 found that women score better in timed intelligence tests than men. The study, published in the May-June issue of the journal Intelligence, didn’t find much difference in un-timed tests, which meant women had a quicker mind.

Women perceive their relationships better than men.

Talk about relationships and most men will frown. Now you know why – they know so little about their relationships! A Hebrew University of Jerusalem study, after surveying 97 couples in the United States, found that women are more perceptive than men in describing their relationships. The study, published in Science Daily, reported that women were much more accurate in describing the perception of their partners than men.

Women communicate better than men.

This is now scientifically proven and acknowledged. Louann Brizendine, neuro-psychiatrist at the University of California at San Francisco, found in a study that women can process 20000 words a day compared to men’s 7000 words (Louann Brizendine,The Female Brain, Morgan Road Books). This difference, as per Brizendine’s study, is more biological than social, which starts as early as the fetal stage.

Women learn better than men.

That is why girls get better grades in school on an average than boys in many parts of the world. Dr Simone Kruger of Edge Hill University, UK, found in her research based on remote learners that women learners were more successful in sharing ideas and experiences with each other, and hence learn't more efficiently than men.

Women invest better than men.

You don’t believe it, do you? We all know fewer women invest in stocks than men do, but the few women who invest in shares do better than their male counterparts. A study by the National Association of Investors Corporation (NAIC) for the University of California found that women earn on an average 1.4% more than men in their share portfolios.

Women cope with stress better than men.

A study at the University of California, Los Angeles, published in the July 2000 issue of Psychological Review, found some biological and behavioral differences in the ways men and women cope with stress. It found that women tend to seek contact with others and social support when they are under stress, which is a psychologically much better way of coping with stress than the “fight-or-flight” approach of men.

Of course, there are other studies which indicate men are better than women in various skills. The point I want to make is not that women are better than men in everything, but that men should stop underestimating women after being proven wrong time and again.

Tired of Dark Armpits? Here's help

If dark armpits are spoiling your wish to show off the sleeveless dress or jazz up the oomph factor with spaghetti tops, don't worry. There are some sure shot remedies to banish them for ever.

Though there is no medical reason behind someone having dark underarms, experts say that mostly all joints like knees, elbows and armpits are dark compared to other body parts. "There is no scientific reason behind why a person has dark underarms but the fact is that mostly all joints are dark," Apollo Hospital senior cosmetic surgeon Anup Dhir said. "But with the latest medical technologies, you can easily get rid of them or else lighten the skin tone of that particular area," he added.

Experts also reveal that excessive use of hair-removing creams and shaving are the major causes of darkening armpits. "Waxing is the best hair removal option for the area under the arms. Still, many people prefer shaving and hair removal creams. This is a bad idea because shaving does not remove hair by the roots and the chemicals present in the hair removal creams result in discoloration of the skin under the arms," beauty expert Shahnaz Hussain said.

Other than shaving and hair removal creams, use of deodorants and perfumes directly on the skin leads to darkening this area further. According to Kaya Skin Clinic's dermatologist Hema Pant, people have this misconception that sweating results in darkening the armpit area.

"Sweat has no direct relation with darkening under the arm area. But, yes, it has an indirect role. "People use deodorants and perfumes to get rid of body odor which in turn makes the armpits area darker if they use it directly on their skin," she said.

Agreeing with her, Dhir said: "Deodorants contain metallic salts that result in darkening the skin tone and sometimes people also complain about developing rashes and some itchiness. The fact is that these metallic salts are not at all good for your skin."

In terms of treatment, markets are flooded with various options starting from the permanent hair removal treatment to body peel and from Botox treatment to some skin lightening creams.

According to Dhir, laser is the best option because this results in permanent hair removal and improves the skin tone of the area as well. Also peels like spa body do wonders in lightening the skin tone of that area, if one is not facing excessive hair growth or dark under the arm skin problem.

"Spa body peels remove blackness of the armpits. This is a moderate to extensive exfoliation which needs around 4-6 sittings to see the results. But the best option for all those who have heavy hair growth should be to opt for laser because that is the best way out to remove hair permanently," said Dhir.

"The process requires 4-5 sittings, depending on the hair growth." Dhir also emphasized the fact that Botox treatment is limited to mere 2-4 percent people because only those who suffer from excessive sweating go for it. The result lasts anywhere between six months and one year.

"In this method, we paralyze sweat glands temporarily and not many people go for this treatment because in most cases it is not required. One should also use sunblock creams in this area to prevent their further darkening," Dhir explained.

While many people are opting for these treatments, there are many who still stick to the home remedy and for them Shahnaz Hussain has a simple mantra. "Mix besan (gram flour), curd, lemon juice and a little turmeric and apply at least three times a week under the arms. Wash it off after half an hour. It will definitely work wonders," Hussain said.

Recognising the Mental Deficiency

A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a blonde gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease.

"Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she asked,
"how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"

"Nothing is easier," he replied.
"You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track."

"What sort of question?", the blonde asked.

"Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?'", said the doctor with a smile.

The blonde thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I don't know the answer to this as well. I must confess I don't know much about history myself."

12 Step Recovery Program for Web Addicts

1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my PAPER newspaper like I used to, before the Web.

2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.

3) I will get dressed before noon.

4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web.

5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Web-deprived.

6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web.

7) I will read a book... if I still remember how.

8) I will listen to those around me about their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web.

9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.

10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.

11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web.

12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime... and the Web will always be there tomorrow!

Alcoholism

Two men lost their long-time drinking buddy to alcoholism.
At the funeral, as they passed by the open casket, one remarked to the other, "Gee, Sam sure look good, doesn't he?"
The other replied, "Well, he ought to; he hasn't had a drink in 3 days."